So this being in Canada thing is really getting to me. Don't get me wrong I know my socks have been blessed off and the gratitude for all that is at my fingertips is unceasing. The very essence of me, however, simply isn't here. Its with my heart, my consuming thoughts, my worry, my prayers. All of me, with the exception of the physical is all in Haiti. The rest of me left to suffer in silence, being left behind, being useless, helpless, uneducated. Is there anything productive I CAN do? Every time I speak my heart, I hear 'no','you can't do that', 'It's not possible', 'you'll be in danger', 'no one would want you there', 'write a letter instead', 'give it time'. Do you really think that little of me? That because I have no formal education that I would be no use, that I would only get in the way and waste the resources meant for the ones I want to help. I can't help but wonder how can that be? How can myself as a whole be so conflicted? so naive, so infantile, yet wanting the very best of life, to offer the very best of me. whatever that may be. Experience it would seem, counts for nothing.
So here I am, trying to be whole, trying to be here, doing what I can. I go to work at a job, however much I enjoy the people, does very little to increase funds, nor does it give any kind of blostering effect knowing I am doing something worthwhile.
worthwhile, is there anything in me worthwhile, worth fighting for, worth a thought even.
Lord I want to go home.

Haiti my heartbeat

Day three, it feels like years.
I barely know how to function let alone what to write, but write I must.
I have been spending these days back and forth from FB where I have many haitian contacts, my phone, trying to get through to haiti or talking to people who are doing the same, and to the neighbours, joining the King family in watching CNN and CBC news (You will see them on the front page of our local newspaper today). and through it all Elie and I are working, beacause we know we will need all the money we can scrape together.
During my pacing and praying I can feel the fear of the people that I know, I can see the faces of the children, who I know are confused and scared. I can imagine that the nannies have gone to care and find out about their own families, leaving two or three people in charge of 115 children. My family has no food, very little water (only what they had on hand before getting hit). everyone forced to sleep outside because being inside is unsafe.
phones have been speratic, only once have we gotten direct contact with family, and that was very brief. This morning a friend in haiti got through saying that only voila phones are working at the moment.
So many are crying out for help,
I don't have money, all I have is my love and my two hands and feet.

The People of Haiti are my heartbeat, if this is their battle then I am their soldier.