hola!

I contemplated (briefly) writing this blog in Spanish, but the greeting just about exceeds my knowledge of the language. E and I are going to look into language classes so that we have a bit more freedom when travelling. Speaking of E, he's finally home after spending two weeks in Haiti, I am thoroughly relieved. Everyone is ok and the entire neighbourhood is living on the street with makeshift tents made of sheets and anything available, which is sad because it is now rainy season. no good. E had to spend a few days in the Dominican and not surprisingly came home with stories of new friends that he made along the way, he called one day while there so excited because he found out how cheap it is to live there. I responded with ok let's learn spanish, might make living there a wee bit easier. :) not that it would be anytime soon, we just like to dream. To which he gloated in saying that he already knew more than I did. My three years in high school apparently don't count for much. Ah well, I am just happy he is home safe and not traumatized by seeing loved ones living as they are and us just as limited to help. It has lit something of a blaze under his arse though as he is now at our local Parliament Members office inquiring about any education opportunities we may be able to open up for his niece and younger brother.
As for me, I am sick, again. It's probably something I caught from my mama, who has an ear infection and flu-like symptoms. She has been generous enough to share the congestion and plugged ear with me, so far I don't think there's any infection in my ear. which is good, its bad enough to try and swallow with a throat made of concrete and plugged nose giving me limited oxygen. I'll survive, I just hope E doesn't get it. That would be bad news, although he did just receive his BC Medical card in the mail, wehoo!! Now we have to apply for MSP coverage or whatever its called. I also just got the paperwork for extended benefits though work (go Timmy's!) so that will be a relief to be able to get more of what we need. Speaking of work I need to go and make my lunch and get ready before E gets home with the car.
love to you all.
jc

So this being in Canada thing is really getting to me. Don't get me wrong I know my socks have been blessed off and the gratitude for all that is at my fingertips is unceasing. The very essence of me, however, simply isn't here. Its with my heart, my consuming thoughts, my worry, my prayers. All of me, with the exception of the physical is all in Haiti. The rest of me left to suffer in silence, being left behind, being useless, helpless, uneducated. Is there anything productive I CAN do? Every time I speak my heart, I hear 'no','you can't do that', 'It's not possible', 'you'll be in danger', 'no one would want you there', 'write a letter instead', 'give it time'. Do you really think that little of me? That because I have no formal education that I would be no use, that I would only get in the way and waste the resources meant for the ones I want to help. I can't help but wonder how can that be? How can myself as a whole be so conflicted? so naive, so infantile, yet wanting the very best of life, to offer the very best of me. whatever that may be. Experience it would seem, counts for nothing.
So here I am, trying to be whole, trying to be here, doing what I can. I go to work at a job, however much I enjoy the people, does very little to increase funds, nor does it give any kind of blostering effect knowing I am doing something worthwhile.
worthwhile, is there anything in me worthwhile, worth fighting for, worth a thought even.
Lord I want to go home.

Haiti my heartbeat

Day three, it feels like years.
I barely know how to function let alone what to write, but write I must.
I have been spending these days back and forth from FB where I have many haitian contacts, my phone, trying to get through to haiti or talking to people who are doing the same, and to the neighbours, joining the King family in watching CNN and CBC news (You will see them on the front page of our local newspaper today). and through it all Elie and I are working, beacause we know we will need all the money we can scrape together.
During my pacing and praying I can feel the fear of the people that I know, I can see the faces of the children, who I know are confused and scared. I can imagine that the nannies have gone to care and find out about their own families, leaving two or three people in charge of 115 children. My family has no food, very little water (only what they had on hand before getting hit). everyone forced to sleep outside because being inside is unsafe.
phones have been speratic, only once have we gotten direct contact with family, and that was very brief. This morning a friend in haiti got through saying that only voila phones are working at the moment.
So many are crying out for help,
I don't have money, all I have is my love and my two hands and feet.

The People of Haiti are my heartbeat, if this is their battle then I am their soldier.

I blame Frugal Dreamer!

Last Movie I Saw In A Movie Theatre? Don't even remember, probably a haitian film about two years ago.
What Book Are You Reading? Organize your personal finances… in no time; Outlander series; various recipes.
Favourite Board Game? Don't really have a fav but I played scattegories last night and I woke up thinking of more stupid words!!
Favourite Magazine? Canadian Living, anything with good recipes
Favourite Smells? Clean babies, Sundried laundry
Favourite Sounds? Chinaido’s giggle
Worst Feeling In The World? Leaving all my babies in Haiti
First Thing You Think of When You Wake? I don’t wanna get up!
Favourite Fast Food Place? at the moment its subway
Future Child’s Name? Orland for sure, Paola, raelle and several others are still in the works
Finish This Statement—“If I Had a Lot of Money,… my house would be full of kids!”
Do You Drive Fast? Depends if the person in front of me is driving slow.
Do You Sleep With a Stuffed Animal? E’s arch enemy... Bear-Bear
Storms—cool or scary? Tres cool, love them.
What Was Your First Car? Ford gts, it hated me.
Favourite Drink? Shirley temple with extra cherry and an umbrella
Finish This Statement—“If I Had the Time, I Would… finish all my unfinished projects and ideas”
Do You Eat the Stems on Broccoli? Yes, so good, they taste better then the flourettes
If You could Dye your Hair Any Other Color, What Would It Be? If I knew that I would have done it already.
Favourite Sport to Watch? soccer and figure skating
What’s Under Your Bed? Antique clothes drying rack
Would You Like to Be Born As Yourself Again? Would I have a choice?
Morning Person or Night Owl? neither
Over Easy or Sunny Side Up? Eggs make me gag.
Favourite Place to Relax? Kaliko beach… mmmm beach.
Favourite Ice Cream Flavour? Island Farms peanut butter fudge

ok this ones just to get myself into a better habit of writing more often. so apologies if I ramble.
I just had a fantastic visit with Morgan Xavier and hope that we can keep it up more often, I love to hear all that's going on in her life. She's great!
Its startling to realize how little I interact with other people (offline), work not included. I think its getting to me, I am not naturally extroverted and so I easily fall into a don't-want-go-out-at-all routine which I am finding isn't good, not good at all. So I have to consciously find ways to see or at least talk to the people I love and get to know the people I don't. I heard of a family that has stopped giving gifts for the holidays (scandalous!) but instead they offer services of themselves, whatever their talents or knowledge may be. How much more meaningful is that? Isn't that what the spirit of giving really means, to give of yourself. I also read a story of a woman who challenged herself with 50 days of selfless acts, and now it is an easy habit for her and her entire family. This is the direction I would much prefer to see myself going in. I abhor being stagnant, but I'm very good at it, tragically.
I am working on thinking positively and listening to my instincts, willingly going outside of my comfort zone, especially with E. The meaning of life phases are never easy, I just hope there is a happy ending, depression medication not-withstanding.
Cheers to my two faithful readers I'm off to finish the dishes before the motivation leaves me crafting instead!

OK so clearly I am not good with this regular updates idea. I don't know what it is, maybe too much happens before I get a chance to write and then I don't know where to start or what to say. Sounds fairly acurate to me.

SO travel dilema... I am travelling in the spring sans husband (his choice), but now he thinks it frees him up to travel to Haiti (sans wife). This is not ok with me but I can't seem to explain it to him well enough for him to understand where I am coming from. He is just immigrating and I understand the pain of seperation from friends and family, and all the work of adjusting, I get it, I do, I went through the same thing when I was there. Without the support of an understanding spouse. But I can't get him to comprehend that it does get better, he will get comfortable in his surroundings and he will get to see his friends and family again. Just not yet, to go now would only result in further anxiety over the choice of coming and having a new family, it would seem a lot more logical to give it up when your not in the face of it. ARRG! so frustrating... maybe this is why I don't write often, its always frustration or unpleasant things. We need a mediator, he seems to just close his ears when I speak, with him thinking his is the only way. I know we will survive and everything will turnout ok, I just want the adjusting period to be as painless as possible for us both. This is all I got for right now. The dishes are calling me.

Good morning, good morning we slept the whole night through, good morning, good morning to you!

Nothing quite like starting the morning with a song, I love it, actually I think I don't even do it on purpose. My sister and I often finish our sentances or conversation by breaking out in song, its good times. I love my sister.

Good mood? you ask. Why yes indeed. Perchance this medication is not so bad as the 1st week foretold. I suppose one can only go down so far before any advancement is forced to go up. hmm well its about time, and hopefully it sticks around.