So this being in Canada thing is really getting to me. Don't get me wrong I know my socks have been blessed off and the gratitude for all that is at my fingertips is unceasing. The very essence of me, however, simply isn't here. Its with my heart, my consuming thoughts, my worry, my prayers. All of me, with the exception of the physical is all in Haiti. The rest of me left to suffer in silence, being left behind, being useless, helpless, uneducated. Is there anything productive I CAN do? Every time I speak my heart, I hear 'no','you can't do that', 'It's not possible', 'you'll be in danger', 'no one would want you there', 'write a letter instead', 'give it time'. Do you really think that little of me? That because I have no formal education that I would be no use, that I would only get in the way and waste the resources meant for the ones I want to help. I can't help but wonder how can that be? How can myself as a whole be so conflicted? so naive, so infantile, yet wanting the very best of life, to offer the very best of me. whatever that may be. Experience it would seem, counts for nothing.
So here I am, trying to be whole, trying to be here, doing what I can. I go to work at a job, however much I enjoy the people, does very little to increase funds, nor does it give any kind of blostering effect knowing I am doing something worthwhile.
worthwhile, is there anything in me worthwhile, worth fighting for, worth a thought even.
Lord I want to go home.